Never fly turkish airlines. I believe that is the major take home message from this bout of international travel.
One week before my 10/12/2011 departure date, I get a call saying that there had been a schedule change and I would have to pay a 50 euro rebooking fee or they could refund me the cost of the tickets.
"Fuck... I wish I'd taken that refund" was the phrase that kept circulating round and round my looped internal monologue as I did circuits of the departure area in Nairobi airport, at 3:25am the morning of 11/12/2011.
"Hey, I'm going to Dar Es Salaam, do I get off here?"
"Hmm... They printed the ticket wrong, wait in this room here"
-- 10 Minutes later --
"I'm going to Dar Es Salaam, could you tell me which plane should I be on?"
*security person looks confused* "Let me ask"
*radio chatter*, 'That one" *points to plane taxying away from gate*
"But that's the plane I just came in on?!"
*runs to Turkish Airlines person* "The ticket checker said I had to wait in the departure lounge, and my plane is taxying away from the gate, i'm going to Dar Es Salaam!"
"Why did you get off the plane?!"
"The ticket person said to get off the plane!"
"It's too late, the plane has gone... Why did you get off the plane?!"
"THE TICKET PERSON SAID TO GET OFF THE PLANE!"
"I'm sorry there's nothing I can do, you're on your own"
"But?!"
"Wait here until morning and buy another ticket with Kenya Airways"
"But?!"
"I have to go now... Goodnight..."
"Hey Melinda, looks like you don't have to come out to Dar airport tonight..."
"What why?!"
"..."
"Well be careful getting a taxi Nairobi is hella sketchy"
"I wasn't really planning on leaving the airport..."
-- Three hours later --
It's weird what sleep deprivation and international travel do to you. I'm usually pretty calm and rational, but this was really weird and a little scary. You don't really expect to be left at some random airport in Sub Saharan Africa... I mean, airlines are organised right? All the scanning and tagging...
To make matters worse, my checked luggage had continued on its merry journey without me, and aside from the usual clothes and shaving stuff, it also contained tasty things, like Maltesers, Red Wine, Candles and good Vodka.
I imagined some random Tanzanian dude opening up the bag and surveying all this tasty westernness; nibbling the Maltesers, laughing at the candles and boxes of matches with cute furry animals on, sipping the Vodka "Mmm safi sana!", and then the look of surprise and confusion as he pulled out the panties and saw there were nne holes instead of tatu, then the look of mirth and incredulity as he realised what hole number nne was for...
People were looking at me strangely. "Who is this strange mzungu, why does his expression keep switching from one of extreme fear and insecurity, to one of smiling and mzunguness?"...
Ah, but now the Kenya airways helpdesk was open, maybe I could escape this strange smelling land with no air conditioning...
-- One hour later --
"Hello I need a ticket to Dar Es Salaam, Turkish airlines left me here last night."
*wide eyes* "I am very sorry to hear that, let me see what I can do, please, wait over there and I will come and get you. There is another girl there who need to get to Dar as well."
"Hello random stranger, care to bond over being fucked over by airlines"
"...Ok!"
-- 20 Minutes later --
"Yes I need to get to Dar so I can fly to Mumbai in time for work next week!"
"Wow?!, well here's my number, if you're ever in Grenoble and need a place to stay..."
"Ok we have tickets! They are $180 each, and you need to pay cash"
This was my first experience of doing something semi beaurocratic in Africa. In the West getting $180 dollars at an airport would be no problem, you go find one of those triple currency ATMs, key in your pin, hit $, 180 and press enter.
*Hmm ATM only dispenses Kenyan shillings*
"Hello i'd like to convert enough sterling for $180 please, here's my debit card"
"We don't accept card, you need to use the ATM?"
"But you're a money changer?! How can you not accept debit cards, are there any other money changers here that accept cards?"
"No"
Incredulous I checked, they were correct.
"How much is $180 in Kenyan Shillings"
*Some ridiculous amount somewhere in the millions*
"Ok!"
"Oooo Barclays ATM, I know you! You're happy and friendly and wont send my card number to random african credit card fraud people"
"Please insert card"
*Inserts card*
"Please wait..."
-- 10 Minutes later --
"Please wait..."
-- 2 Minutes later --
"Please key in your pin number"
*Keys in pin number* *Nothing changes on screen*
*Begins pressing cancel button in panicked frenzy*
- 5 Minutes later --
*Press all the buttons!*
"Transaction timed out... Please take your card"
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...
*looks around* "WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ATM?"
"Please work this time, please! I'll take the money out in $50 increments so you can change insane transaction fees?! Go onnnn, you know how you love doing that."
"Stupid mzungu I was just messing with you, go ahead and take your money"
"Make crazy money into dollars?"
*Dollars*
"Make dollars into ticket?"
*Ticket*
"Ticket let on plane?"
*Gets on plane*
"Yey!"
Will Arran be able to get a tourist visa? Will random Tanzanians have made off with the tasty snacks? will Melinda even show up at the airport?!
All this and more in tomorrows (or whenever I have the time and inclination to write part mbili) entry...
